so when i used to be on tumblr more like 2 years ago i reblogged a lot of fan art and now i come back and there’s fucking adds and “recommended blogs” and shit and it’s all this old fandom slash that i don’t give a fuck about. this is stupid.
“A wolf pack: the first 3 are the old or sick, they give the pace to the entire pack. If it was the other way round, they would be left behind, losing contact with the pack. In case of an ambush they would be sacrificed. Then come 5 strong ones, the front line. In the center are the rest of the pack members, then the 5 strongest following. Last is alone, the alpha. He controls everything from the rear. In that position he can see everything, decide the direction. He sees all of the pack. The pack moves according to the elders pace and help each other, watch each other.”
-Unknown
Cesare Brai’s photo.
i do not know what horrifies me more right now: the fact that i could feel like this for months, or the fact that i’m starting over with a new drug because that might make it stop.
-“brain zaps” it feels like you hit your funny bone but in your brain
-every part of my head is pulsing and vibrating in the worst way
-everything someone says is already too much to handle
-like I could vomit or shit at any given second.
-the constant pulsing
-sore neck
-prickly eyes
-dizzy
-desperate for solitude
-desperate for attention
-angry
-irritable
-nauseous
i am going through “withdrawal” (that’s not what they call it but for the sake of simplicity there it is) from sertraline (generic zoloft) and it’s the hardest thing i have done in my life. i was taking 200 mg for approximately 10 years. over the course of 12 days i tapered off an am now sertraline-free… and i’ve never felt so bad in my life.
the vertigo is making me crazy. my head is ready to explode and i don’t know if i’m about to throw up or pass out. and the free time i don’t spend sleeping, i spend crying.
i’ve researched this and symptoms can last for *months*.. and i’m terrified. and i don’t know what to do. the intensity of the vertigo comes and goes and i don’t want to tell my doctor because then he’ll just put me back on it and i’ve already come so far getting off of it.
fuck. i was an advocate for anti-depressants until i tried to come off of mine. i still think they’re beneficial but i don’t know that i’d ever recommend them to someone if they had any other recourse. because this is hell.
if it’s not the vertigo or the crying, it’s the impulsive anger. i’ve thrown things. i’ve shredded up paper trying to do my homework. i’ve punched my wall and dug my nails into my hands and have been biting the tip of my tongue really hard. anything to keep from literally pulling my hair out or hitting someone. i’m mad all the time. this just sucks so bad.
for nepalese hindus, today is kukur puja, the second day of the five day tihar festival, nepal’s version of diwali. literally meaning “worship of dogs,” kukur puja is dedicated to honouring our special relationship with dogs, who are adorned in vermillion and garlands of marigold. photos by (click pic) narendrashrestha, niranjanshrestha, navesh chitrakar, prakash mathema in kathmandu.
